“Contagion”

Sadness grows
It’s spreads
It’s contagion in its worst form
It’s a sickness
an infection inside of your head
Its an illness
equivalent in desolation
as it is as lethal
as fatal as was the severity
of the Black Plague
and despite it being part of the underbelly
of a society
that views depression as a taboo
but nonetheless it is a social norm
regardless of whether its spoken about
It remains the perfect recipe
for the perfect storm.

It allows no true survivors
death is not the only thing it seeks
it dispels lonliness
and fear
it is An ungodly infection
that quickly breeds
it multiplies
Making it nearly lt impossible
For one To even attempt to clearly think
sleep or eat
Much less allow one to evenly breathe
It’s a slippery slope
One from which if you take even just one slight misstep
You will slip
And down to an untimely death
you will most definitely fall.

Sadness is contagion;
a murderer of souls,
indeed.

-s.

Advertisements

“I Never Meant It”

I never meant to tell you that I hated you
I never meant to make you feel like you were wrong
I never meant to make you feel like I didn’t love you
even though I know you knew I loved you
you were my mother after all
and I was wrong all along.
I never knew our last conversation would be the last wed ever have
the last hug you gave me would be the last time I’d be held in your arms
I never knew that the last time I looked into your eyes and told you that I loved you
would be the last time before you were gone.
I wish to god I could take back all the anger I let harbor inside me
and replace it with happy memories and laughter
instead I’m stuck with this never ending guilt
and an endless void
I’m still stuck on the last page of an already closed chapter.
I can’t let you go Momma
I just can’t.
the night you went away
was the night my life changed forever
the girl I was isn’t the girl I am
and for that death is clever
he twists us into these outer shells
nothing more and nothing less
consumed by sadness
old memories
he takes away our rest
why doesn’t god take away death instead?

-s.

“The Final Act”

Nothing could Save me from the harsh finality
Within that of my last poignant, defining fatal act
My last performance made upon this earth-
The closing chapter
Performed by my own hands
And
voila!
Suddenly The Curtain falls
And there is a cold silence within the stands.
The show is over now
Closed forever upon the appearance of the note they found
Lodged in the tiny space left between my broken neck
And that of my makeshift noose;
It’s My final bit of wordplay
Scribbled humble apologies
Spread out across a single page
Last min directions
regarding which “sorry” was meant
specifically for whom
Thus it was concludes
The last bit of writing upon this earth
That my hand would ever again produce.
All that remains now is dusty old bones
And the coroners photo
Taken to capture the angle of my neck
When snapped within the noose.

Nothing could Save me from the harsh finality
Within that of my last poignant and defining fatal act.

-s.

“Thinking Happy Thoughts”

It has been said
That Peter Pan once told
Little Michael,John,
and the precious Wendy Darling
“You need only Think happy thoughts
and you will fly”
And eagerly, each child tightly closed their eyes
And from within their little minds each produced the thing their tiny hearts most desired
Maybe Michael thought Up his innermost joy filled memory,
Perhaps Wendy imagined The one thing for which her little heart most wished
-To experience her very first kiss-
One by one
They were startled to feel Their toes begin to lift
Until they felt themselves floating in midair
And When they finally opened their eager little eyes with their hands clasped in one another’s
As tightly as could be
Perhaps considered by peter himself as unnecessarily tight
They flew out the window
Their shrieks of glee echoing through the star filled skies
As they shot off through the clouds toward
The second star to the right;
thus, the children had begun their legendary journey that would land them in Never land before the end of the night.
If only life was such a happy tale
As those of the lives of little Michael, John, and the precious gem,
Little Wendy Darling.

-s.

“Tiger Stripes”

The moment I felt myself beginning to bruise
And new wounds began the process of healing
My emotional tissue around my heart
Began the steps in the permanence
Of The brutality within the tale it left behind
The beautifully harsh finality
Within the event of a new wound
Becomes yet another scar
Completing the tale it was meant to tell.
The tale that’s advertised with the presence of a physical Mark
or in some cases
A mark that is solely internal
Can at times be far too much
For the ordinary human soul to bear.
And so I hear each one of my scars with pride
For each battle I have won
I now proudly bear my stripes.

-s.

“Smiley Face”

Still trying to smile even when I’m sad.
But life always gets better-
it will never stay grim
And it wont always be this bad!!!

Just gotta Think positive
and keep my dreams steady
And soaring up through the skies
higher than the moon-
Maintain my love for myself
and in All Those that I truly love
And Keep these eyes of mine
that my Momma gave me
shining bright
and keep on rockin my daddy’s gift that he left behind that is evident within my smile!

They say that There’s always a few rainclouds overhead
before the arrival of the totality
And the fury that is the storm
And for that reason
I know that I wasn’t born to stick to society’s notion of what is deemed to be the norm
For I no longer claim that I am hurricane
– Im a god damn monsoon!!
Yet even within destruction
there lies even the smallest semblance of breathtaking and heart rendering beauty-
And the growth of something equally radiant
Something new.
I am always changing and growing
With every moment I walk upon this earth
And will continue to do so with gratitude and love in my heart
Until the day I reach my tomb.

I believe that there is something bigger than me beyond my comprehension
That will guide me along the way
I just have to maintain some level of patience
Remain humble, willing and ready to learn
And ultimately hold onto my faith-
The blind faith in the idea that of nothing else
I know for certain that this will all get better soon!

-s.

“Along This Path”

I have come a long way, of that I am certain.
I am now,
even in this very moment,
as I write,
Still so very far beyond the walls of the fortress
that once served as my prison;
I simply gave myself the permission
to simply allow the downward spiral to claim me and drag me Deep down
into the depths of the very same abyss
The very same inferno
Whose current threatened to drown me and every single one of my dreams.
The abyss threatened to claim me from the darkness that it would appear to be that
from the moment of my birth
Darkness seemed to smother me
Until it was banished by the strength inside my own will to survive;
That very same darkness
Seemed to continually hover above and about my head
That very same cloud of darkness
That from which I had had to fight with all that I held inside of myself
Throughout the course of my entire life
All in order to simply avoid
the very real possibility of ever slipping on some unexpected obstacle I had never been adequately prepared to see
I did not wish to make the same mistakes as my mother once did;
And although I found myself having managed to have somehow blindly gotten myself entangled
Caught up once more
This was not the life I wanted to for me
This was never the life I ever planned to lead.

And even so
I am even now so much farther upon my journey through this life of mine,
Far beyond anywhere I have ever been.
where I once was, and, had I not found it within myself to seek
of that I am certain.
when I look back over my shoulder and peer beyond the curtain that adorns the doorway that leads back into the realm ruled by my memories; all those of my truthfully not-so distant past.
and have struggled to remain standing, There is more to life than this.
but no matter what I am strong, and I will get to wherever it is I am headed; and I will LIVE, not just survive.
-s.

“Even The Score”

Sometimes my depression gets the very best of me
And I end up wanting to even the score
Is there anything worth loving left inside me?
Is there anything left of me thats worth caring for?
If I simply give up and just let it all go today
Would anybody miss me when I’m gone?
Would anybody bother to remember the lyrics to my favorite song?
Would anybody remember me for the laughs we shared
And all the stupid things I’d do and say?
Would anybody find meaning in my existence
When I’m gone and I am no more?
See my depression it tends to get the very best of me
And I end up wanting to even the score
Is there anything worth loving left inside of me?
Is there anything left of me that’s worth caring for?

-s.

“Unabashedly Batshit”

That ship has flown the coop
Without a pilot
Without a steering wheel
I flew the carpet off the cliff
and found my ducks in socks.
Basics of breaking the rules
Crossing over the borderline
Between the lives of all those who are merely bruised
And those that are so broken they’ve become brazen and unapologetically batshit
Breaking barriers and surpassing even our own expectations
We remain fearless
Ferocious
Bracing ourselves day after day
To face the world so harsh and unrelenting
To beat our demons we must resolve to remain unwavering in our boundaries-
Committed to living our lives
With eyes dedicated to remaining open wide
And maintaining against the odds at all costs
An attainable goal of an every day freshly focused and positive Attitude
optimism is our northern star..
we are batshit; we are derived of the bones of warriors
the badass
the brave
the bold and the beautiful.
Unabashedly batshit.

And all the better for it.

-s.

“When You’re sad”

You say,
“It’s so sad that you’re all alone on thanksgiving day”
And all I can think is
“Then why aren’t you here?”
You say
“I wish there was some way to remove all your worries and your fears.”
And all that runs through my tortured mind is
“What about my tears?”
“What about my sadness?”
“What about my pain?”
My soul craves for the feel of rays of sunshine again
Spreading radiantly upon my face
And yet all I wake up to every morning it seems
Is yet another thunderstorm in my heart
And darkened clouds bearing frozen rain.
My body aches for a gentle touch
The safety of the warmth within a woman’s embrace
And yet when I grasp blindly out into the world for physical love
Suddenly I’m just desperate
Too needy
It’s simply no longer in the cards for me it seems
Love is gone
Vanished without so much as a trace.
You tell me it’s sad that I’m alone on thanksgiving day-
I wish you knew-
How I alone I am every day
Within the dark depths of what is
To the ordinary soul
An entirely all too ordinary yet so blatantly misunderstood terrain
It’s what You learn to live with when you’re depressed
That plastic smile on your face
You find familiarity within your oldest friend
That “I’ll be okay when I’m alone” smile
Reminiscent to only you
Your memories
Society with their obviously unashamed strain of what you know to be nothing more
Than evidence of simple minds
riddled by years of uneducated disdain.
And seeing that you can do no more for minds unlike yours
That stubbornly refuse to grow
You instead grow to accept the presence of your oldest confidante
The only consistency that you know
That painful reminder of your silence within the pain.
You say that it’s sad that I’m alone on thanksgiving day?
Try living your entire life
Trapped in a box with no air
No one to hear you scream
No one to care.
But that’s life when you’re depressed
No one wants to hang around to see
The pain within my eyes
The sadness eagerly awaiting its gruesome task
Licking its chops
Just waiting until it’s given the chance to continue consuming
What’s left of me.
You tell me it’s sad that I’m alone today.
I say step into my shoes and walk around in them.
This is my life
Therefore,
This is only another lonely day.
And that is why I’ve come to learn the difference
Between what people actually mean
What people fail to actually do
And the emptiness in the words they choose to use
To convey what it is they have to say.
Thanksgiving day.
I’m alone.
But then again
What’s one more day
when you’re sad?

-s.